Of Prompt Peters and Late Latifs

December has always been a special month. It's the time when there is a large scale migration of homo sapiens across the globe, mainly for holidays / recreation and / or on account of homecoming of those settled in distant lands. Over last few decades this has been augmented by homecoming of a different kind. Hordes of alumni of different institutions home on their respective  alma mater  to meet old friends and renew their ties of friendship. 

It is now strongly felt that these specimens, generally classified as homo sapiens, are actually a distinct species now named as homo alumnus. This is an attempt to take a look at this species. 

OF PROMPT PETERS AND LATE LATIFS, AND ALSO OF REGRETFUL ROBINS AND IGNORANT IBRAHIMS

Sometime in the eighteenth century, Linnaeus laid down the basics of classification of diverse life forms. This led to developments that we are all too aware of, complicated stuff all and Greek and Latin to most of us, and a cause of endless tension during exam times. This, of course, did not mean that all the species have been found and properly classified. New theories keep on coming up all the time forcing us to reorient our thinking. A recent study carried out has brought out some startling facts about species homo alumnus. This study was confined to the alumnus of IIT Bombay but could well be extended to the entire species.  

As per the findings of the study, the species is far from homogenous as it was long held but can be further classified into four sub-species; each with a different neural make up.We publish below an abstract of the findings. Those interested in the details can await the publication of full treatise in the forthcoming issue of  Nature and  / or log on to the site www.homoalumnus.edu. The general characteristics of the species being by and large present in all the sub-species, it is quite common for a specimen of one sub-species to be mistaken for another and sometimes traits belonging to one sub-species become manifest in another. But still the researchers have reason to believe that these divisions among sub-species do exist and the classification needs to be modified to incorporate these findings. 

1.    Alumnus promptus (or Prompt Peters in everyday parlance): This sub-species is characterized by a strong memory and a well developed area in the ‘association cortex’, that part of brain which is considered to be the centre of all nostalgic feelings. As a result, the sub-species is likely to experience a strong urge to participate in the alumni activities and is not averse to going to any extent to contact and bring others of the species together, not necessarily only the A. promptus variety.
 
2.    Alumnus retardus (or Late Latifs): This sub-species is characterized by a weak memory and/or a lazy disposition. Specimen belonging to this sub-species require constant prodding, cajoling and even threats to get activated even if it is for the common good of the species. A. retardus sometime seem to suffer from delusions of their own importance in the scheme of things and have perfected the art of cash-flow planning. However, once activated, these have a tendency to get vociferous and start demanding that they be accorded priority in everything as befits their deemed status.

3.    Alumnus regrettus (or Regretful Robins): This sub-species is characterized by a certain touch of schizophrenia. They may have a fairly strong memory and a well developed ‘association cortex’, sometimes as developed as the A. promptus but in their case the association cortex is under the influence of the limbic system, the part of brain which is the centre of work and family related emotions. This leads to a certain amount of vacillating behaviour and a sense of melancholia as the association cortex is not allowed to play its rightful role. 

4.    Alumnus ignoramus: (or Ignorant Ibrahims): This is the most interesting sub-species of all as the specimen vie with each other in exploring the unknown frontiers of bliss. The research indicates that on an average these specimens require 3 years 7 months and 14 days to wake up to the fact that some important event like silver jubilee get-together has passed them by without them noticing it. There has also been an instant where a specimen claimed that he had forgotten in which hostel he had spent the 5 years of his stay in IIT (Rejoice ye classmates of mine, for the honour does not belong to us. Thank God for small mercies). As yet, the researchers have not come across a case where some specimen has claimed that he had forgotten which IIT he / she passed out from. But with number of IITs about to grow and the intake of students set to explode, the researchers opine that the day may not be too far when that milestone is also reached.

Readers who are keen to understand the basics of behaviour of homo alumnus as a species may refer to the standard textbooks available in the Central Library, viz:

1.    “Alumni: Their Natural Habitat and Behavioral Patterns” by Al Muni (grand-nephew of late actor Paul Muni)

2.     “Alumni and Half-life of Their Relation with Alma Mater”: by Stew Dent 

 LazyBee

December 2001