And The Darwin Award
Goes To.....
Charles Robert Darwin is known for his contribution to
various fields such as geology, biology, biogeography, invertebrate zoology,
and of course for his theory of natural selection which has made him a
household name like Sir Isaac Newton or Albert Einstein.
His voyage on HMS Beagle which lasted for five long years (1831-1836)
and took him around the world gave him insights for his famous book On Origin of Species. His work also won
him the honour of having 120 species named after him (probably the most that
any single scientist has) and a whole city, Darwin, the capital of Northern
Territories in Australia, after him. So if there is an award named after him
one would expect that the award celebrates the one central point of his theory,
“the survival of the fittest”.
Ironically, the criterion for the Darwin Award is stated as "In the spirit of Charles Darwin,
the Darwin Awards commemorate individuals who protect our gene pool by making
the ultimate sacrifice of their own lives. Darwin Award winners eliminate
themselves in an extraordinarily idiotic manner, thereby improving our species' chances of long term survival”. Well, in a way, it does fit the Darwinian
hypothesis that only the fittest survive and thereby pass on their genes to the
next generation, if only in a slightly oblique manner.
In keeping with the criterion laid down, the awards are
given (mostly) posthumously and the requirements are also very clearly spelt
out:
1.
Inability
to reproduce: The nominee must be dead or rendered sterile by his actions
so that he does not leave descendants (at least subsequent to the event). With
current advances in science, this might become tougher in future as a survivor
could possibly pass on his genes through IVF, cloning or some other technology,
so Darwin awards use a test called “desert island” test which looks at whether
or not the nominee would be able to reproduce if left alone on a desert island
with a fertile specimen of opposite sex. I guess that settles it rather neatly.
2.
Excellence:
The chosen method of self annihilation should be foolish, unique and
sensational; common cause of accidental death like smoking in bed does not
qualify, foolish it may be, but unfortunately not unique.
3.
Self-selection: The cause of death should be chosen
voluntarily by the person himself or herself. Accidental death due to someone
else’s folly will not get you a nomination mind you.
4.
Maturity:
The candidate must be above the legal age to get a driver’s license i.e. at
least on paper be mature to make his / her own decisions. A mentally unstable
person is also not eligible for the award.
5.
Veracity:
The incident must be verified. A large number of historical incidents are
therefore out of purview of the awards as they have not been adequately
verified.
There are a few provisos which make a deceased ineligible
for a nomination. For example if the act of self-destruction also happens to
kill a healthy by-stander who would otherwise have been able to reproduce, such
acts are frowned upon and the deceased will lose his claim to a Darwin.
The awards website www.darwinawards.com
is full of details of how creative people can be to (unwittingly) qualify for nominations
or awards. A look at a few of the nomination winning feats will hopefully teach
us what not to do to earn a nomination to a Darwin.
Top Gun?: In Illinois, a police officer accidentally
shot himself to death. A colleague of his, a veteran with 20 years of
experience was re-enacting the scenario for the benefit of other colleagues. And guess what? He forgot to empty his service
revolver before he set out to do the re-enactment and promptly shot himself in
stomach. He died on his way to the hospital thus qualifying for a nomination to
a Darwin on his own.
Horseshoe for
Goodluck? : Robert, a daredevil stuntman rigged up a homemade
rocket-parachute contraption and sped on a jet ski over Horseshoe Falls at full
throttle. His plan was very simple, fire the rocket as he went over the falls
which would take him clear of the water, then pop open the parachute and gently
float down to the river below where he would be picked up by the Maid o' the
Mist tour boat. But Robert had not reckoned with the effect that excess
humidity would have on his equipment. The rocket didn’t fire and the parachute
failed to deploy; the only part of his plan which worked to perfection was the
pick-up by Maid o’the Mist. The snag was he was quite dead by the time he was
pulled out of the water. Robert was married but had no children, making him a
perfect Darwin contender.
Trick or Treat?
: A college student wanted to show up as Dracula for Halloween. To add a
realistic touch, he put a pine board down the front of his shirt so he could
"realistically" sink a knife into the board and pretend he was
transfixed by a vampire-killing stake. He either overestimated the strength of
the thin pine board or under-estimated the sharpness of the knife. He tried to
hammer the knife in the board. So far so good, but the stroke of hammer caused
the sharp blade to split the soft wood and bury itself in his heart. He
staggered from his dorm room into the Halloween party. His friends carried him
to the hospital where the medics treated him but that didn’t do any trick. He
received a posthumous nomination for a Darwin. I don’t know if Count Dracula
can count this the deceased among one of his many victims.
Tongue-Tied
Teenager ?: Snakes have this
peculiar habit of flicking their tongues out periodically which is actually
their way of smelling. The snake’s tongue draws in a sample of air which would
contain some of molecules of scent given off by a prey. This scent tells the
snake where to find its next meal. One doesn’t know whether this particular
teenager knew this for a fact or not but when he found a rattlesnake flicking
its tongue at him, he (the teenager) took umbrage and wanted to get back. He
picked up the rattlesnake by the scruff of its neck held him in front of his
face and stuck out his tongue. It is not reliably known if this particular
rattlesnake was totally rattled or if it is considered rude in accepted
rattlesnake social etiquettes to stick one’s tongue out to an elderly
rattlesnake, but the outcome was that this said rattlesnake bit the said
teenager’s tongue. The results as far as the two parties engaged in this time-honoured
kindergarten game of “ if-you-stick-your-tongue-out-at-me-I-will-stick-mine-out-you”
were radically different. The said teenager dropped the said rattlesnake in a
hurry and the rattlesnake which had had enough of this silly game anyway rattled
away in even greater hurry. The said
teenager, however, found that his tongue which had been the recipient of a
close encounter with rattlesnake had swollen to enormous proportions and which
in due course of couple of minutes choked his windpipe and immediately put him
high on the list of most promising nominees for a Darwin.
Big Bang Practicals
101: High among the high treason acts in history of the world is the
Guy Fawkes plot to blow up the British Parliament along with King James I, in 1605.
The plotters wanted to overthrow the protestant rule and ring in a catholic reign.
Guy Fawkes, who was one of the 7 main plotters was caught with a pile of
gunpowder right in the basement of Westminster. A few of his fellow
conspirators escaped and were tracked down to an inn where they decided to make
their last stand. They had a large cache of gunpowder with them and were
hopeful of making a last ditch stand worthy of their religious zeal.
Unfortunately the gunpowder was wet and needed to be dried properly. The
masterminds laid down the pile near a fireplace so that the heat from fireplace
would help them dry the powder a tad faster (remember they were shortly to be
under fire from King’s men). They didn’t take into consideration the fact that
fireplaces do sometimes splutter and throw up embers which essentially tend to
follow some trajectory of their own. One such ember found a resting place on
the top of the pile of gunpowder. That was the end of the last stand the
plotters were planning to make. Unfortunately since Charles Darwin was born a
couple of centuries after this incident, this event did not receive a citation
for a Darwin but an honourable mention it surely deserves.
LazyBee
8th January 2017
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